3acv18: Anthology of Interest II
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Hey, TiVo! Suggest this!]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth hits his What-If machine with a hammer.]
Farnsworth: There. I've finished fine-tuning my What-If machine. It can answer any "What-If" question, accurate to within one-tenth of a plausibility unit.
Leela: That's so plausible I can't believe it!
Farnsworth: Who wants the machine to show them an alternate reality?
[Bender steps forward.]
Bender: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna know what would happen if I were human. I mean, being a robot's great, but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes me very sad.
Farnsworth: Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again. Well, let's give baby what he wants. [He holds a microphone on the machine.] What if Bender were human?
[He pulls a string.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped to a table and the staff are gathered around him.]
Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've invented a way to turn Bender into a human using a process I call "reverse fossilisation".
Leela: How does it work?
Farnsworth: Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh and bone turn to minerals. Realising that, it was a simple matter to reverse the process. I've already tested it by turning the toaster into a racoon.
[He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around and two slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]
Fry: Kinda game-y.
Farnsworth: Are you ready, Bender?
Bender: I dunno. I'm beginning to have some second thoughts--
[Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity à la the countless Frankenstein films. He slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]
Hermes: Cover your shame, mon!
[He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]
Farnsworth: It worked! Eat it, everyone whose never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy!
[Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]
Bender: So this is a human body, huh? Neat! [He feels the top of his head.] Hey, my antenna's gone. [He looks at his crotch.] No, it just moved. I'm not getting good reception on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around a little.
Fry: (whispering) Bender, no! You'll make God cry.
Bender: Well, let's see what kinda things this body can do. [He spits and Hermes leans out the way of it.] Hey, that's pretty fun. [He vomits and laughs.] Being human is great!
[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]
Zoidberg: Hooray! It's just like Mardis Gras!
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the bathroom.]
Bender: Guy! Guys! You've gotta see this. You're not gonna believe it!
Leela: Bender, it's OK to be proud but don't be a show-off.
[Bender looks Amy up and down.]
Bender: Whoa! You look a lot better than you used to for some reason.
Amy: (sexfully) You're not so bad yourself, big boy.
[She kisses him.]
Bender: Hey, that felt great! [He kisses Farnsworth.] Nah, it's not working anymore.
Farnsworth: Speak for yourself!
[What-If Scene: O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender drinks a beer and lights and smokes a cigar.]
Bender: Whoa! This is awesome!
Leela: Bender, you drank and smoked when you were a robot.
Bender: But now it's bad for me!
[He hoots and picks up another mug. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the bar.]
Fry: Speaking of which, try these nachos.
[Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts scoffing the rest of them.]
Bender: Mmm! Why didn't anyone tell me tasting things tasted so good? [Miami Sound Machine's Conga plays and Bender's hips wiggle.] What's going on? That rhythm! It's doing something to my human butt.
[He stands up and dances, still holding his beer, cigar and nachos.]
Amy: Bender, part of being human is having self control.
Bender: Oh, my God! I bet I can eat nachos and go to the bathroom at the same time!
[He picks up the box of nachos and the others restrain him.]
Amy: No, Bender!
Leela: Stop him.
Bender: Let me go.
Farnsworth: Come, Bender. It's time to go home and rest. I need you in top shape next week when I present you to the Nobel Prize Committee. Bender?
[Bender climbs out of a window.]
[Cut to: Outside O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender runs down the street.]
Bender: (shouting) Goodbye, moderation!
[What-If Scene: D.U.I. Friday's. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with a mug of beer and a hot dog.]
[What-If Scene: New New York City Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin' Donuts.]
[Time Lapse. He leaves a while later with his arms around two girls.]
[What-If Scene: Academy of Science. A week later, Farnsworth and the rest of the staff attend the Nobel Prize Committee. Farnsworth stands at a lectern while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table.]
Zoidberg: Is Bender still missing for a week? Where is he, already?
Farnsworth: Uh, as I've said before, I used reverse fossilisation, which is the reverse of regular, um...
[He wipes his brow and clears his throat. Fry pokes his head through a curtain.]
Fry: (whispering) Pst! We found him!
Farnsworth: Ah! Then without further stalling for time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever turned into a human.
[The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans and the scientists gasp.]
Wernstrom: My God! He needs medical attention!
[Zoidberg scans Bender.]
Zoidberg: Pulse, 300; liver, failing; cholesterol, 40?
Leela: Well, that's not so bad.
Zoidberg: No, I mean 40 pounds!
Farnsworth: This, um, scientific breakthrough ... heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations, yes.
[Bender groans and looks at a woman.]
Bender: C'mere and give old Bender a kiss. [The woman cringes.] Hey, you like grilled cheese?
[He takes out some grilled cheese from under a roll of flab.]
Farnsworth: And, um, that's why I believe I deserve the Nobel Prize.
Wernstrom: Not only do you not deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball on the world but you are hereby kicked out of the Academy of Science.
[The scientists cheer and applaud.]
Bender: Wait! As men of science are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have tried my way of life for yourselves.
[The scientists look at each other.]
Wernstrom: Young man, you have opened our minds and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore--
Bender: (shouting) Party!
[Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with a keg and Amy and Hermes with food. Farnsworth cheers.]
[Time Lapse. The drunken scientists are asleep and sitting around in their underwear.]
Wernstrom: Bender, you were right! Truly you have lived more in your one week of being human than the rest of us have in our entire lives.
Wernstrom: And so, to recognise your achievements, I hereby award you the Nobel Prize ... [He takes a medal off a sleeping scientist.] ... in, uh ... [He reads the medal.] ... Chemistry.
Farnsworth: Care to say a few words, Bender?
[Bender remains silent. Fry waves his hand across his eyes.]
Fry: He's dead.
Wernstrom: When did he die?
[Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]
Farnsworth: About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woo."
Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat. [He pushes the fat and Bender "Woo's" again.] Goodnight, sweet prince. You were the greatest man any of us will ever know. Well, let's get him out of here. He's starting to smell up the joint.
[The rest of the staff roll Bender out and he "Woo's" as he turns over.]
Narrator: (voice-over) You watched it, you can't un-watch it. Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest!
[The What-If Scenario ends.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Zanfor?
Fry: Ooh, I have one. I'm good at video games and bad at everything else. That's why I wish life were more like a video game.
Farnsworth: Can you put that in the form of a question?
Fry: Uh, what if that thing I said?
[Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]
Farnsworth: Oh, great machine, we beseech thee. What if life were more like a video game?
[What-If Scene: A video game ship flies around shooting asteroids like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[What-If Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew walk in. Farnsworth and Hermes sit on the couch watching TV.]
Nixon: [on TV] Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention as I sign an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
[Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]
Fry: Wait a second! I know that monkey. His name is Donkey.
Farnsworth: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my head!
[Cut to: UN Building.]
Nixon: I'll just put the old "John Q. Nixon" on it. [An arm comes out of his jar and he signs the paper "Richard M. Nixon's Head".] There! No major crap-ups. You're on, Mr. Ambassador. [Donkey Kong turns towards Nixon.] What the--
[Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar flies off the desk. Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]
[Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof and the floors collapse.]
[Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands up.]
Mario: Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants of peace!
[He climbs onto the desk and runs away.]
[What-If Scene: MilAtari HQ Corridor. The Planet Express staff and a man walk.]
Man: Mr. Fry, rumour has it you know the secrets of the video game Chance. Please step into the war room.
[A message on the war room door tells him he needs the blue key to enter. He holds it up and the door opens.]
[Cut to: MilAtari HQ War Room.]
Man: You'll be meeting with General Colin Pac-Man.
Pac-Man: Wakka, wakka, wakka, wakka. Let's get down to business. What can you tell us about the Nintendians?
Fry: Well, sir, I spent all of ninth grade studying them, except for that day when my eyeballs started to bleed. And in my opinion--
[A building outside explodes and everyone gasps.]
Pac-Man: Quickly! To the escape tunnels!
[Everyone runs off, wakka-wakka-ing and the background repeats.]
[Cut to: Pac-Man Screen.]
Pac-Man: This way, damnit!
[Zoidberg eats the pellets.]
Zoidberg: Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmallows! [The cherry appears in front of him.] Ooh, and a cherry!
[He eats it and carries on running, chasing Fry.]
Fry: Hey, watch out!
[Zoidberg eats him.]
Leela: Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead!
[Fry slides up behind them.]
Fry: It's OK. I had another guy!
[What-If Scene: Outside Planet Express. Pac-Man and the staff come out of the end of the escape tunnel, gasping.]
Pac-Man: (gasping) Wakka ... wakka, wa--
[Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixilated cherry, a pixilated pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them and crude spaceships start destroying buildings.]
Leela: [pointing] Invaders! Possibly from space!
[Lrrr opens the window of a ship and leans out.]
Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships.
Fry: Alright! It's Saturday night, I have no date, a two-litre bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!
[What-If Scene: Fry's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]
[Cut to: Lrrr's Ship. Lrrr sits in a chair and Nd-Nd is at a console in front of him.]
Nd-Nd: We're losing ships, sir. What are your orders?
Lrrr: Increase speed, drop down and reverse direction!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ships follow his orders.]
[Cut to: Fry's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]
Fry: I've still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch, as I fire upwards through our own shields.
Bender: He's a madman! A madman!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]
[Cut to: Fry's Ship.]
Pac-Man: It's working! Victory is assured. My retirement tomorrow will be all the sweeter. [Some Nintendian missiles come through the roof and take a chunk out of Pac-Man. He screams.] I'm hit! So cold!
[He folds over and disappears. Enter Ms. Pac-Man, crying.]
Ms. Pac-Man: (crying) No!
Fry: Amy, tend to the widow Pac-Man.
Ms. Pac-Man: (crying) Wakka, wakka, wakka.
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Lrrr opens the window.]
Lrrr: Drop down and increase speed.
[Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains. Zoidberg looks up through the window.]
Zoidberg: (from inside) One ship is left only.
[Cut to: Fry's Ship. Everyone cheers.]
Leela: Come on, Fry! Get it!
Fry: [sweating] It's moving too fast! Oh, I could never get the last one. My brother always got it for me.
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Lrrr's ship slices through Fry's shields. Lrrr opens the window.]
Lrrr: Drop down, reverse direction, prepare for landing.
[His ship lands. A "War Over. Congratulations! Enter Initials." caption appears. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.]
[Time Lapse. The Planet Express staff stand outside Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters get out along with Lrrr.]
Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting where I was, you should have shot at where I was going to be.
Beserk: All your base are belong to us.
Q-Bert: (speaking backwards) Where can a guy get a pair of pants around here?
Fry: What do you monsters want?
Donkey Kong: One thing and one thing only: Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens.
Beserk: Fork 'em over! Fork 'em over!
Farnsworth: Forget it, you pixilated pirates. We need those quarters to do our laundry.
Bender: Right on!
Leela: Sure thing, Professor!
Lrrr: But-But space invaders need to do laundry too. I mean look at Donkey Kong here. Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
Amy: Go away! We're not giving you our quarters no matter what.
Lrrr: Well ... then what if we throw our laundry in with yours? Would that be acceptable?
Fry: I guess so.
[Lrrr takes off his cape.]
Lrrr: OK, then. That settles that. But if this cape shrinks, consider your species extinct!
Narrator: (voice-over) Bravo! That'll be hard to top. I pity the next Tale of Interest.
[The What-If Scenario ends.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Farnsworth: Well, there's time for one last question. Let's turn to the "Who Ask" machine to see who's next.
[He turns the machine on.]
Who Ask Machine: Um, uh, um ... Amy. [Amy gasps.] I mean Leela.
Leela: OK. [She clears her throat.] As an alien who was abandoned on Earth, I've never really belonged anywhere.
[She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and hit Fry.]
[Bender looks around for his eyes.]
Bender: Uh ... where?
Leela: So my question is this: What if I found my true home? [Farnsworth pulls a lever like on a one-armed bandit and hits Leela on the head.] Ow!
[She falls over unconscious.]
[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Nibbler wakes up Leela in the ships cockpit. She is dressed like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz and the scene is in a sepia tone. Leela looks around.]
Leela: Where are we?
[A tornado blows outside the ship. Scruffy, wearing a pointed hat, flies past on a broom and cackles. The ship crashes.]
[Scene: Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its side.]
Leela: Nibbler, I don't think we're in New New York anymore. [She looks around the coloured landscape. A peacock open it's tail like the NBC logo.] Jeez! Apparently the phrase "tone it down" doesn't exist on this planet. [She sees Scruffy has been squashed under the steps.] Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back into the ship. [She hesitates.] Ooh! Nice boots!
[Nibbler sniffs them but recoils. Enter Cubert, Dwight, Tinny Tim, a Neptunian elf, a Grunka Lunka and Glurmo all dressed in colourful clothes.]
Cubert: Look, everyone! She killed the Man-Witch of the West!
Leela: A witch? That explains how these boots magically appeared on my feet.
[She indicates her feet.]
Small Glurmo #1: No, you stole them. We saw you.
Leela: Well ... i-it's hard to find shoes that fit me. So, anyway, who are you people? Haven't I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
Small Glurmo #1: (singing) We resemble but are legally distinct from the lollipop guild, the lollipop--
[Nibbler eats him. Amy, wearing a pink dress and holding a wand, floats down from the sky in a bubble. She bursts it.]
Amy: Greetings, Leela. I'm the Cute Witch of the North!
Leela: Yeah... Can anyone fix my ship so I can get home?
Amy: Abraca-duh! Just ask the Professor. He lives in the Emerald Laboratory down Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Leela: You mean that yellow brick road?
Amy: The city council renamed it in 1975. (sarcastic) Ooh! Those are great shoes!
Leela: Oh, thank you.
Amy: Do they come in women's sizes?
[Leela presses a button on her wrist machine and the steps come out of the ship and crush Amy.]
[Scene: Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands on some corn.]
Fry: OK, crow, prepare to be scared. [He gets out Stephen King's Christine.] (reading) And then, "honk, honk," the car honked its own horn!
Leela: Wow! A talking scarecrow. Wanna come with us to see the Professor? He might be able to give you a brain.
Fry: Hey! That's not a nice thing to say.
Bender: Beer! Beer!
Leela: Whiskey OK?
[She pours some into his mouth and he belches fire, igniting Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]
Bender: Now did you say you were off to see the Professor? 'Cause I could use a heart -- a human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.
[A yellow cab pulls up and Zoidberg steps out.]
Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy, courage. Not enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
[Time Lapse. The gang skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]
[Cut to: Mom's Castle. Mom, the witch, watches it on her TV. The picture crackles and she hits the TV repeatedly.]
Mom: Damn this DSL! [She cackles and opens a cage, letting out her flying monkey-sons.] Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them!
Igner: But, Mom, you promised you'd bake monkey cake today.
Mom: By "monkey cake" I meant your ass!
[She slaps them and they fly away.]
[Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome continue to skip.]
Fry: Man, we've been skipping for hours. I need to pull over and take the wiz.
[Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]
Zoidberg: What, do I smell or something?
[He sniffs his armpit and groans.]
[Scene: Mom's Castle.]
Leela: Why did you bring us here?
Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
Mom: I'll tell you why I brought you here, you twice-baked barf bags: Because I've always wanted a daughter to love. You want to get adopted, you little skank?
Leela: And live here? And be a witch like you? Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance around at the equinox.
Leela: Oh, Mommy! I found my true home!
[They hug and Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]
Fry: That's great, Leela.
Bender: I've heard worse excuses to drink. [He opens the bottle and it sprays over Mom.] Oops!
[Purple smoke emanates from Mom.]
Mom: I'm melting! Oh, who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on me?
[She melts until there is nothing left of her but a puddle.]
Bender: Well, no point letting her go to waste.
[He takes a straw out of his chest cabinet and drinks the puddle of Mom.]
[Scene: Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the green building which looks like the Planet Express building and everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door and Hermes slides a peephole across.]
Hermes: (from inside) Yes?
Leela: We're here to see the Professor.
Hermes: (from inside) No one sees the mighty Professor.
Farnsworth: (from inside) Who's there, Hermes? Is it visitors? I want to see them.
Hermes: (shouting; from inside) It's nobody. Now sign that will I gave you! [He turns to Leela.] He's not here.
Leela: Oh, for the love of Benji!
[She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk in.]
[Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head, stands behind a curtain.]
Farnsworth: I am the Professor, great and ... uh ... forgetful! [Nibbler pulls back the curtain revealing Farnsworth's big head on a small body.] Now, what do you nice kids want?
Zoidberg: Nothing! I'm leaving. But if you have extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe?
Farnsworth: Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly lobster! You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?
[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he takes it, spins it around on his claw and mimics gunfire.]
Zoidberg: No, world, you put your hands up!
Farnsworth: And you, lad, all you need is brain.
Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that?
[Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]
Bender: This is a stick-up. Gimme the bag, old man!
Farnsworth: Here you go, my friend. 5000 Professor Land fun bucks.
Bender: Oh, crap.
[He fans the notes. Farnsworth turns to Leela.]
Farnsworth: As for you, young lady, you want to go home, right?
Leela: No, not anymore. I wanna stay here and become the new Wicked Witch.
Farnsworth: Nonsense. Now click your big, honking boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas, to live in poverty with your dirt-farming, teetotalling aunt and uncle.
Leela: Uh, alright. Here I go. [She clicks her boots together three times.] There's no place like-- I wanna be a witch! [She turns into a witch, complete with pointed hat. Everyone gasps and she turns Fry, Farnsworth and Bender into frogs and laughs. Water falls on her from above and she starts to melt.] Oh, no! Help! What's happening?
Zoidberg: Uh, sorry. I think there's a problem with your upstairs toilet.
[He stands on the stairs, pulling up his scrubs. Leela moans as she melts.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket of water on her.]
Bender: Wake up!
[Leela coughs and splutters.]
Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.
Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. [She points at Fry, Amy and Zoidberg.] Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there.
Fry: Never mind, Professor. She came to.
[Enter Farnsworth with a box marked "Leela's Organs".]
Farnsworth: Oh! So close.
[Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]
Hermes: There's always next year, Professor. There's always next year.
Lewis Morton (I, Meatbag)
David X. Cohen (Raiders Of The Lost Arcade)
Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby (Wizzin')