[Scene: Fry's Bedroom. Fry is awoken by squeaking bed springs from the apartment next door. He growls.]
Fry: I can't take it anymore! They've been at it for hours! [He bangs on the wall.] (shouting) Give it a rest, you two!
[Cut to: Apartment 00111001. The robots sit playing poker. They have springy bodies which are constantly squeaking. One of the robots oils his springs.]
Robot: (shouting) Sorry!
[Opening Credits. Caption: Loading...]
[Scene: Fry's Bedroom. Fry sleeps.]
[Fade to: Fry's Dream. He is in a packed lecture hall. An old teacher stands at the front of the room. She wears frosted half-moon glasses and has grey hair.]
Teacher: Good morning, class. I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam.
Fry: Uh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures. Uh, what subject is this?
Teacher: Ancient Egyptian algebra.
[She points to the blackboard, revealing it is filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs. Fry gasps.]
Fry: What a nightmare!
Teacher: Mister Fry, are those your underpants? [Fry looks down and sees he is wearing only his briefs. He stands up and the whole class laughs and points. He gasps.] Young man, I think it's time you learned a lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs.
[She pulls down a poster showing the briefs.]
Announcer: (voice-over) Lightspeed fits today's active lifestyle. Whether you're on the job ... [Fry suddenly appears in a company meeting wearing just Lightspeeds.] ... or having fun. [He sits with a woman on a bed.] Lightspeed briefs, style and comfort for the discriminating crotch.
[Like an advertisement, a pair of lightspeeds appear in front of a flashing background.]
[Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The dream ends and Fry suddenly wakes up.]
Fry: What a weird dream! I'll never get back to sleep.
[He falls asleep instantly.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff sit around the table.]
Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?
Leela: Of course.
Fry: But, how is that possible?
Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. [He holds up an egg and injects it with liquid. The egg explodes, covering him and Leela in yolk.] Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.
Fry: That's awful. It's like brainwashing.
[Leela wipes the yolk from her hair.]
Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?
Fry: Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games and on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and written in the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee!
Bender: Quit squawking, flesh wad. Nobody's forcing you to buy anything.
Amy: Yeah. I mean we all have commercials in our dreams but you don't see us running off to buy brand-name merchandise at low, low prices.
[After a long silence they get up and run out.]
[Scene: Alien Overlord & Taylor. The Planet Express staff enter the department store and are immediately preyed on by a saleswoman at the cosmetics stand.]
Saleswoman: Hi! Care to sample the latest fragrance from Calvin Clone?
Amy: No thanks.
[The saleswoman sprays her. Amy curses in Chinese and walks away rubbing her eyes.]
Saleswoman: And you, sir?
Bender: No thanks. I--
[The saleswoman sprays him. Bender sprays her back with oil, covering her face. She coughs and splutters.]
[Time Lapse. Leela is sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand. A cosmetologist brushes away her fringe.]
Cosmetologist: What a lovely face. We just need to draw attention away from the eye area.
[She zaps Leela with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela sees her reflection and sighs. The woman has plastered her face in lipstick so she looks like a clown. In the menswear department Fry picks up a box of the briefs.]
Fry: Cool. [He walks over to a salesman.] Can I try these on before I buy them?
Salesman: I'm afraid I can't let you open the package. But you can try on the demo pair.
[He pulls out a pair of smelly underpants and sprays them with deodorant.]
[Scene: Fitting Room. Fry puts on the briefs and is impressed.]
Fry: Ooh! Ho, ho, ho!
[He looks in the mirror and sees himself as a muscular man. Two women stand at his side in the mirror. He notices a sign that reads "Objects In The Mirror Are Less Attractive Than They Appear" and sighs.]
[Scene: Alien Overlord & Taylor. In the robot accessories department, Bender, wearing a green sweater, picks up a few cans of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil from a stack and hides them under the sweater.]
Amy: Hey, Bender! Great new sweater.
Bender: New? What sweater? I came in with it. I don't know you people!
[He walks off. A hovering CCTV camera follows him. Back in the menswear department, Fry buys the Lightspeeds.]
Salesman: $30, please.
Fry: $30? I can't afford that. Unless... [He pulls out his wallet.] Do you take Visa?
Salesman: Visa hasn't existed for 500 years.
Fry: American Express?
Salesman: 600 years.
Fry: Discover card?
Salesman: Sorry we don't take Discover.
[Amy, Leela, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]
Amy: Hey! You're springing for Lightspeed? Pretty ritzy!
Fry: No, I can't afford them. Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford?
Amy: Quiet. There's an ad coming on.
[On the screens, Mom, the woman from the tins of robot oil, sits in a chair knitting. She wears a large, green dress and an apron around her front. Behind her on the wall is a picture of three men dressed in the same grey clothes.]
Mom: [on screen] Hello, shoppers. It's me, Mom!
Fry: Hey who's the rocker jockey?
Amy: Guh! It's Mom. The world's most huggable industrialist.
Mom: [on screen] Call me old-fashioned, but when my robot starts to squeak like an old screen door, well, that's when I reach for a can of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil.
Bender: Mmm, tasty!
Mom: [on screen] And remember: Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand!
Announcer: [voice-over; on screen] "Mom", "love" and "screen door" are registered trademarks of Momcorp.
[The tins under Bender's sweater squeak.]
Fry: Hey, Bender. Sounds like you could use a little of that oil.
[Some tins fall out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV cameras surround him. He looks up at them.]
Bender: I'm boned.
Smitty: Freeze, scuzzbot!
Bender: Uh, there's obviously been some sort of a mistake here. [More tins fall out.] I'm sure there's-- [More tins fall out.] I say I'm sure there's-- [Even more tins fall out.] That is, I'm sure there's ... a very ... reasonable--
[And some more.]
[Scene: Outside New New York Police Department. A sign outside reads "Ask About Our Generous Brutality Settlements".]
[Cut to: New New York Police Department. At the front desk Fry counts some money.]
Amy: Do we have enough money to pay Bender's fine?
Fry: [counting] 78, 79, 79.50. Crud! We're 50 cents short.
Leela: I'd love to chip in but Bender stole my wallet.
[Fry looks through a window and sees the Big Apple Bank.]
Fry: Hey, that's my old bank. Maybe my account's still open.
[Scene: Big Apple Bank. Fry steps forward to the desk and a machine scans his eye.]
Teller: Hmm. We don't seem to have your retina scan, your fingerprint or your colonic map on file.
Fry: Yeah, well, I did open the account over a thousand years ago. What about my ATM card?
[The teller takes out an ATM machine from under the desk and blows the dust off it.]
Teller: Do you still remember your PIN number?
Fry: Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza.
Teller: OK, you had a balance of 93 cents...
[Fry looks at Amy and Leela.]
Teller: And at an average of two-and-a-quarter percent interest over a period of 1000 years, that comes to ... $4.3 billion.
[Fry stares for a moment before hyperventilating and foaming at the mouth. He faints.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff celebrate, wearing top hats and drinking champagne.]
Hermes: To Fry.
[They raise their glasses.]
Leela: I know Fry's rich, but do we really have to wear these top hats?
Bender: Maybe you don't understand just how rich he is. In fact, I think I'd better put on a monocle.
[And he does.]
[Scene: Le Spa. Fry lives the high life. At Le Spa Fry and Leela get a relaxing massage and Bender gets a buffing.]
[Scene: Famous-Painting-Shooting. Next, Fry and Leela walk down a corridor past many famous paintings. Fry stops at the Mona Lisa, points to it and buys it. The corridor is just a wall in the open countryside with paintings hanging on it. A man loads the painting into a catapult and fires it. Fry, Bender and Leela raise their lasers and shoot it, blasting it to pieces.]
[Scene: Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza. The Planet Express staff are gathered around a table for lunch.]
Fry: Pizza dinner on me! [The others cheer.] Just keep the tab under $50 million.
Robot Chef: Yo! [He whistles.] I haven't got all day. What kind of pizza yous guys want?
Fry: Uh, yeah. We'll have one with everything but anchovies and one with my all time favourite topping, anchovies!
Robot Chef: (mechanical voice) Invalid selection. (normal voice) Yo, what are you talking about?
Fry: Anchovies? You know? Those little headless fish?
Robot Chef: (mechanical voice) Does not compute. Does not compute.
[His head explodes.]
Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has been extinct since the 2200's.
Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about the time your people arrived on Earth wasn't it, Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: (defensively) I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So none of you has ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were all salty and oily and they melted in your mouth and--
Zoidberg: Stop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying "One more can't hurt" and then they were gone. We're sorry!
[He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.]
Fry: I just wish I could've showed you guys how great they were. I may be rich but I still can't buy back all the things I miss from the 20th century.
Bender: Maybe you're forgetting just how rich you are. [He puts his monocle back on.] Huh? Huh?
[Scene: Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A banner outside advertises "With Original Asbestos". On the steps, Fry shakes hands with the landlord and moves in.]
[Scene: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Amy, Bender and Leela are already in there. Amy picks up the telephone receiver and looks at it, confused. She puts the receiver over her eyes. Enter Fry.]
Fry: So? What do you think?
Leela: I know you spent a lot of money on this place, Fry, but it's awfully primitive. [She stamps the floorboards.] The floors are made of such hard wood.
Bender: Hey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th century TV!
Fry: What's wrong with it?
Bender: Well, aside from causing eye cancer, these things had a lousy low-definition picture.
Amy: That's true. On a TV like this I bet you couldn't even make out my obscene tattoo.
[She rolls her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo which appears blurred. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles.]
Leela: That's cute!
[Scene: Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers. In the crowded room Fry bids for something.]
Leela: I just don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.
Bender: Ah, leave him alone, Leela. So he's going a little wacko with his money. It's OK.
Leela: You're just saying that because he bought you that antique robot toy.
Bender: Yeah, it is cute.
[He plays with a "Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em" toy. One little robot punches the others head off and Bender screams.]
Auctioneer: Now, our final item: This unopened can of Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa 1997.
Auctioneer: The last known can in existence guaranteed fresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?
[A rich Decapodian woman stands up.]
Decapodian Woman: 30! No, 40!
[The other bidders whisper to each other.]
Leela: Are you crazy? It's a can of old fish.
Fry: Don't tell me how to spend my money.
Auctioneer: 50 going once, twice--
[He raises his gavel.]
[The bidders gasp. Mom stands at the back of the room with the three men from the picture in the ad.]
Leela: Oh, my God! It's Mom! I've never seen her in person before.
[More whispering from the bidders.]
Leela: Fry, you can't bid against Mom; she's the richest, most powerful person in the world. And she's so adorable.
[Mom looks in her purse.]
Mom: Well, I suppose I could go as high as ... 300,000.
Mom: Oh, mercy be. A million.
Mom: I can see the nice young man really wants those little fish. Nevertheless, I'll bid 23 million.
[Fry stands up and raises his hand.]
Fry: One jillion dollars.
[The bidders gasp.]
Auctioneer: Sir, that's not a number.
[The bidders gasp again.]
Fry: Oh. In that case, 50 million.
[Mom turns to three men behind her.]
Mom: Well, boys, your old mother knows when she's been beat. [She turns to Fry.] You win, young man. I tip my bonnet to you.
[The other bidders murmur.]
Bidder #1: Isn't she adorable?
Bidder #2: Isn't she sweet?
[The auctioneer bangs his gavel.]
Auctioneer: What a class act! Sold! To the gentleman who bought every item in today's auction.
[Fry stands up an cheers himself but the other bidders "boo" him.]
[Scene: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry wanders around the room in the dark and picks up a box.]
Fry: Now for some good old 20th century TV.
[He puts a video tape into the VCR.]
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Do you remember a time when chocolate chip cookies came fresh from the oven? Petridge Farm remembers.
Fry: Ah, those were the days.
Announcer: [voice-over; on TV] Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain folk weren't allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.
[A knock at the door.]
Leela: (from outside) Fry? Are you there?
[Enter Leela and Bender. Fry turns the TV off.]
Leela: You haven't been to work in three days. What have you been doing?
Fry: I've been sitting right here. I picked up my life exactly where I left off a thousand years ago. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-ay!
[Fry turns the stereo on and Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back plays. Leela turns it off.]
Leela: You can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the lights and shut off the stereo.
Leela: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want.
Leela: But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah! Now are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I've finally found what I need to be happy and it's not friends, it's things.
[He gets up and walks towards the door. Bender turns around.]
Bender: (sadly) I'm a thing.
Fry: Just leave me alone.
[Fry opens the door and Leela and Bender walk out.]
Leela: Fry, please-- [Fry slams the door and Leela knocks.] (from outside) My ponytail's caught in the door.
Fry: I don't need them. Not when I have my antique videos, my bucket of fossilised KFC and 50 million dollars worth of anchovies.
[He kisses the tin of anchovies.]
[Scene: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building Corridor. Mom walks towards her office, followed by her sons. Walt has a full head of black hair, Larry has blond hair and Igner has a tuft of purple hair.]
Mom: Mercy me, what a day.
[Cut to: Mom's Office.]
Mom: Could you shut the door, Igner, dear? I think I feel a draught coming on. [Igner closes the door and Mom's torso open up, revealing it to be just a body suit. A thinner but just as old a woman jumps out.] Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! [She snaps her fingers.] Walt! Cream soda!
Walt: Right away, mother. Larry, get your mother a cream soda.
Larry: But, Mom said--
[Walt slaps him.]
Walt: You heard me.
[Mom drinks the can of soda, throws it down then lights a cigarette.]
Igner: What's wrong, Mommy?
Mom: It's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag, Fry, must know their secret. And I won't rest until I get my hands on them. No one messes with Mom!
[She cackles. Walt joins in, followed by Larry and Igner. Walt slaps Larry.]
Walt: Quiet, you!
[Time Lapse. Mom sits behind a huge desk.]
Mom: As you boys know, one of the cornerstones of my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil. Think of it: 10 billion robots, each one needing an oil change every 3000 miles. You don't have to do the math to know that's a buttload of oil.
Igner: Can I wear your fat suit?
Mom: (shouting) No, Igner, put that down!
[Igner drops the fat suit arm and groans.]
Walt: What does this have to do with the anchovies?
Mom: I'm getting to the freaking anchovies. [She turns on a TV displaying an anchovy.] A single drop of the anchovies' natural oil would lubricate 10 robots permanently.
Larry: Wow, it's a shame they went extinct.
Mom: (shouting) No, it isn't! Shut your filthy trap! [Walt slaps Larry.] (talking) Thank you, Walt. If anyone ever got a hold of anchovy DNA, they could chop out the oil-making gene, stick it in a bunch of Third-World kids and bam! Cheap effective robot oil. Enough to put dear, old Mom out of businness.
Walt: My God! This Mr. Fry must be a mastermind of the highest order.
[Cut to: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry sits in the dark watching Sanford & Son.]
Fred: [on TV] Esther, you ugly!
[Cut to: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building: Mom's Office.]
Mom: We have only one option: We'll have to bankrupt Mr. Fry, so he'll be forced to sell the anchovies to us.
Walt: Mother, you are one clever old skag!
Mom: And don't you forget it!
Larry: But how are we supposed to get Fry's money out of the bank?
Mom: That part will be easy, thanks to the nice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video Surveillance Unit.
[She puts another tape in. The scene at Big Apple Bank replays on the TV.]
Teller: [on TV] Do you still remember your PIN number?
Fry: [on TV] Sure! It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda back where I used to work, Panucci's Pizza. [The tape rewinds.] It's the price of a cheese pizza and a large soda--
[Mom turns the TV off.]
Mom: You know what needs to be done.
Mom: (shouting) Get his PIN number, you idiots! [She zips up her fat suit.] (talking) Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
[Scene: Historic 20th Century Apartment. There is a knock at the door.]
Walt: (from outside) Mr. Fry, it's those three plumbers you called for.
Larry: (from outside) We're here to tighten your drain.
[The sounds of Walt's hand meeting Larry's face is heard. Fry opens the door.]
Fry: I didn't order any--
[Walt and Igner jump on Fry and hold him down.]
Walt: Quick! Give him the tranquilliser.
[Larry puts some tablets in Fry's mouth and strokes them down his throat.]
Larry: That's a good boy.
[Fry falls unconscious.]
[Scene: Pizzeria Set. Fry comes around and sees a disguised Walt wearing a fake handlebar moustache.]
Walt: Wake up, Mr. Fry.
Fry: Where am I?
Walt: You're in the good old year 2000, working here at Panucci's Pizza. You fell asleep on the job.
Fry: That sounds like me but I thought I got frozen. Wasn't I in the future?
Walt: No, you only "dreamed" you were in the year 3000.
Fry: So I'm really back? That's exactly what I wanted, I guess. Who are you?
Walt: I'm Mr. Panucci.
Fry: You are? Did you grow a moustache since last night?
[Walt tears off the moustache.]
Walt: No. Now go work the currency register, I think I hear a customer coming. [No one enters.] I said, "I think I hear a customer coming"!
[Backstage, Larry forces a dress over Igner's head while Pamela Anderson's head in jar sits on a table.]
Anderson: Hurry up, please. I wanna get back to the Head Museum.
Larry: Don't worry, Miss Anderson, this won't take long. Now, your motivation is you're back in the year 2000 and your head's still on your body, and you want a cheese pizza.
[He picks up the jar and puts it on Igner's head.]
Anderson: OK. But I'm only doing this so people will take my head seriously as an actress.
[On the set, Fry notices something on a sign above him.]
Fry: Hey, look! Anchovies!
Walt: Of course. They're not extinct yet. And if you need further proof that this is really a thousand years ago, well, here's contemporary actress, Pamela Anderson!
[Igner walks in.]
Anderson: Hello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch: The Movie?
Anderson: It was the first movie to be shot entirely in slow-motion.
Walt: (whispering) It hasn't been made yet.
Anderson: (whispering) Then he doesn't know I won the Oscar?
[Walt shakes his head.]
Fry: Wait. You're Pamela Anderson! Cool! What can I get you?
Anderson: Oh, I'll have a cheese pizza and a large ... uh ... line?
[Larry whispers from backstage.]
Larry: (whispering) Soda!
Anderson: Oh, right! Cheese pizza and a large soda!
Fry: Uh, cheese and a-- [Walt immediately picks up the boxed pizza and soda from under the counter.] That was quick!
Anderson: So. What do I owe you?
Fry: 10.77. Same as my PIN number.
[Walt, Larry, Igner and Anderson laugh. Fry, unsure, just laughs along with them.]
Igner: Hey! You don't get to laugh.
[He hits Fry on the head with Anderson's jar.]
[Scene: Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A white limo pulls up outside and the sons throw Fry out onto the pavement. There are bags of money in the limo. Igner drives.]
Igner: Thanks a billion!
[He laughs. Larry counts the cash in the back.]
Larry: More like 4.3 billion!
[He laughs with Igner. Walt slaps them both.]
[The limo speeds off and Fry blacks out.]
[Cut to: Fry's Dream. Pizza's, "1077"'s and anchovy tins float around him. Leela's and Bender's heads float towards him.]
Fry: Oh, I had a nightmare I was in the year 2000 and you guys never existed. I'm so glad I'm awake now and you're really here.
Leela: Since when do you care about us?
Bender: We thought you only cared about cans of anchovies and stuffy old songs about the buttocks.
Fry: No, that's not true!
[Leela and Bender float away.]
[A pack of Lightspeeds appear in the corner.]
Announcer: (voice-over) This dream brought to you by Lightspeed briefs.
[Cut to: Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. Fry comes to. A repo-bot walks out of his apartment with his TV.]
Fry: Bender! Leela! Don't leave me. Wait a minute! Hey, buddy, what year is this?
Repo-bot: Uh, 3000.
Fry: 3000? Yes! I'm still in the future! Life is wonderful! [He sees what the repo-bot is carrying.] Wait! What are you doing with my stuff?
Repo-bot: Uh, cheque bounced. We're taking it all back.
Fry: Oh, no! My ATM card! My secret PIN number -- 1077. I've got nothing left. Except...
[He pulls the tin of anchovies out of his sock.]
[Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Bender sit on the couch and Farnsworth sits at the table.]
Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Farnsworth: Uh, wha? Oh, yes! They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters. Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of...
[He walks out, still blabbering. Enter Fry.]
Fry: Leela! Bender! I missed you so much!
Leela: You did? What happened?
Fry: I was robbed. They got everything except these.
[He holds up the anchovies.]
Bender: Who did?
[Leela gasps. Mom stands in the doorway wearing her fat suit.]
Mom: Hello, Fry.
Leela: It's Mom!
Mom: I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles and I thought maybe I could help out a sweet, young man by buying his anchovies.
Fry: Sorry. But the anchovies aren't for sale.
Mom: What? Listen, you little bastard. I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want?
Fry: You might as well put that chequebook away, because I've discovered something even more important: My friends. And they aren't worth even a penny to me. [Bender and Leela look at each other.] That's why these anchovies are going on a pizza, so I can share the food I love with the people I like.
Mom: Holy hell! You're going to eat them? Oh, well. Just make sure you eat them all, you're a growing boy. Toodle-oo! [She walks out.] Dumb ass!
Fry: What a nice lady!
[Time Lapse. The whole staff except for Zoidberg are gathered around the table. Fry opens the tin of anchovies.]
Fry: OK, my friends. Get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow. [The staff tuck in. Everyone except Fry spits out their pizza.] Ew! Gross!
Fry: Ah, no one likes them at first but they'll grow on you.
[Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.]
Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench! [He gobbles up the rest of the pizza.] More!
Fry: There aren't any more. And there never will be.
[Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising his claws.]
Zoidberg: More! More! More! More!
Patric M. Verrone
Special Appearance By
Pamela Anderson as Herself