[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.]
Leela: What do you think of the view Fry?
Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.
[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.]
[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game...]
Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!
Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?
Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid!
Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?
[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up cheering.]
Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right?
[The ball springs back, a player catches it, flies through the air and hits a base.]
Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?
Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope.
[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.]
Bender: I got me a souvenir! [A kid looks sadly up at Bender] Aww here you go kid!
[He hands the kid the player.]
[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]
Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.
Man: We don't sell those.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.
Man: We're out of rolls.
Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]
Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed.
Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn?
All: I'll have some, me, yeah!
[Bender pops then takes a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity.]
Bender: Anyone want butter on that?
[He pumps his antenna.]
Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?
Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!!
Fry: What just happened?
Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!
Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory.
Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine!
Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.
Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer.
Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field.
Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there.
Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?
Bender: Zero! [He throws his bottle on the floor and it breaks. A small robot comes out and cleans it up.] And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!
[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]
Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord!
Fry: What's wrong?
[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.]
Hermes [on pager]: This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. [The crew grumble. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image.] Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!
Farnsworth: I'm sorry what?
Hermes [on pager]: Argh! [The bird takes off with him. Hermes screams.] See you at the office!
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are around the big table.]
Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
Fry: Well, aren't they?
Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!
Fry: Why is that great news?
Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists.
Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?
Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Farnsworth: They're not fans.
Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery.
Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!
Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here.
Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.
Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadom and before that Robonza.
Fry: Man that one was a blast!
Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.
Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis.
Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives.
Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone!
[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The ship is approaching Chapek 9.]
Fry: So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited?
Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots!
Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.
[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bay doors open.]
[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay.]
Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work.
Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale.
Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans!
Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind!
[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]
Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry.
Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet.
Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him.
[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper people and beers.]
Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him.
[The phone thing beeps.]
Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.
[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]
Bender [on screen]: I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!
[He is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts out.]
Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him.
Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight.
Fry: Well what are we going to do?
Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.]
Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots.
Fry (robot voice): I am fully operational Captain.
Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if neccessary solve complex differential equations like robots.
Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?
[He sort of dances like a robot.]
Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all...
[She dances like a robot.]
[Cut to: Chapek 9 surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex.]
Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes.
Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.
[They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]
Robot Guard #1: Halt!
Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot...we be.
Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! [He sort of dances like a robot.] Eh?
Robot Guard #1: Administer the test.
Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?
Robot Guard #1: Choose!
[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]
Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Robot Guard #2: Correct.
Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
Robot Guard #2: You may pass.
[The Robot Guards fold up and move to the side. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]
[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]
Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. [An alarm sounds. Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards Fry and Leela. Another alarm. The robots clear the area.] So far, so good.
[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]
Construction Worker: Little to the right, there you go.
Leela: Have you seen this robot?
[She shows him a picture of Bender.]
Construction Worker: Sorry, can't help you. Hey watch it! Don't drop that there! [The crane drops a brick into the wall and it disappears.] Aw!
Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot.
Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.
Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms.
Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school.
Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.
[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]
Leela: Hurry up Fry.
Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leeking coolant at an alarming rate?
Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin.
Fry: I think the leek's stopping itself. [It doesn't.] Wait. [Still going.] Wait. Yeah, there we go. [Starts again.] Wait. Yeah!
Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?
Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks.
Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you.
[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the robot.]
Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids.
Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder.
Announcer [on loudspeaker]: Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here!
[They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth)]
[Scene: Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. They are of course robots!]
Announcer [on radio in movie]: We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point.
Rusty [in movie]: Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?
Wendy [in movie]: Did you here that Rusty? It sounded like a human.
Rusty [in movie]: Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. Its perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second.
[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes.]
Human [in movie]: Graaah! [It tears Rusty's head off and eats it. Wendy screams.] I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold!
[It opens itself up revealing human organs.]
Fry: Wow the 3-D's great!
Leela: Mine's not working!
[She moves the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye.]
[In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and a Robot General approach it.]
Robot General [in movie]: Funny isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick!
Wendy [in movie]: I'm just glad the nightmare is over.
Robot General [in movie]: It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!
[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]
Fry: God help us!
[Scene: Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.]
Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender.
Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie?
Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing.
Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick.
[A loud fanfare.]
Leela: What's that?
Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt.
[The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]
Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look.
[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot!]
Robot #3: Awww that was uncalled for!
Fry: I'm over here!
[The robots congregate around a platform.]
Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738.
Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches.
Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! [The crowd laughs.] A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!
[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]
Fry: It's him. He's OK!
Bender: Death to humans!
Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!
Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!
[The crowd cheers.]
Fry: My God! He's become evil. [Leela stares at him.] I mean eviler!
Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchse my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.
[He pulls the string]
Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin!
[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.]
Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?
Bender: Sure, why not?
[Cut to: Bracken]
Robot #1: Anything in the trap?
Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait.
Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.
[Bender sees a building.]
Bender: Wait, what's that?
Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography.
Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out.
[Scene: Porno library. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams!]
Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you?
Fry: Psst! Bender!
Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?
Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser.
Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans.
Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship.
Bender: What for?
Fry: We're rescuing you.
Bender: I don't wanna be rescued.
Fry: Say what?
Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring.
Fry: But Bender, we're your friends.
Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair.
Fry: That's not true.
Bender: Well that's how it feels to me.
[An awkward silence as Fry regrets what he is about to say]
Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you.
Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught.
Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the?
Robot #1: Its the humans!
Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something!
[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]
Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles!
[Scene: Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac.]
Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case!
Judge: Thank you Prosecuter, I will now consider the evidence
[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]
Fry: Hey wait a minute! Isn't anyone going to defend us?
Leela: Yeah! I mean he might not have a case but I'm genuinely not human.
Robot Mayor: Quiet human!
[The Judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]
Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again!
Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete.
Robot #1: Jiggle the cord.
Robot #2: Turn him off and on.
Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse.
Fry: Call technical support.
Robot Clerk: OK OK he's back online.
Judge: I find the defendants - guilty!
[The court cheers.]
Leela: Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human!
Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school.
Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again!
Bender (uneasy): Heh heh heh! Oooh!
[The clerk pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.]
[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. The sounds of Fry and Leela hitting the floor sounds.]
Leela: Are you alright?
Fry: Oh yeah.
[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before 5 tall robots.]
Leela: Who are you?
Blue Elder: We are the robot elders.
Fry: You don't look very old.
Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.
Leela: What's going on here?
Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender.
[The doors open. Enter Bender.]
Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this?
Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death!
Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial!
Yellow Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, four centuries ago.
Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners.
Green Elder: Silence! I concur!
Yellow Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.
Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating?
Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling.
Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society!
Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Bender: Aww! [He throws the killer-ma-jig away. The Elders gasp.] I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards.
Fry: Damn right!
Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
Blue Elder: We're well aware of that.
Bender: You are?
Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.
Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage.
Yellow Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetant Robot Elders.
Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure.
Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy.
Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.
Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much.
Blue Elder: Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill!
[They form a line and things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.]
Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy!
Yellow Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up?
Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie.
Orange Elder: Was that the original or the re-make?
[The crew sneak away.]
Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away.
[Scene: Chapek 9 surface. Outside the Robot Complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]
Fry: So long suckers! [The robots stand on each others shoulders] Uh, hello suckers!
Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package.
[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]
Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts!
Robot #2: Hooray for the humans!
[Cut to: Ship's cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.]
Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever!
Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heratige.
Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?
Leela: Of course.
Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!
Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! [Fry and Leela do their robot dances.] Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??
[There are several shots of the crew taking photos.]
David X. Cohen
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved
Fiddled with: 28/12/02