Futurama

Episode Transcript

1ACV05 Fear of a Bot Planet
From The Neutral Planet

[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch looking out of the windscreen into open space.]

Leela: What do you think of the view Fry?

Fry: It really puts things in perspective. I mean, from up here an entire world can seem utterly insignificant.

[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a car. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it off.]

[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]

[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. The crew are sat watching what could be a baseball game...]

Bender: Hey nice seats! We're close enough so when you knock a player down with a beer bottle, he stays down!

Fry: I don't get it. Is blernsball exactly the same as baseball?

Farnsworth: Baseball?? God forbid!

Leela: Face it Fry. Baseball was as boring as mum and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.

Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't - hmm, so they finally jazzed it up?

[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up cheering.]

Fry: Home run!! Woooo! Right?

[The ball springs back, a player catches it, flies through the air and hits a base.]

Umpire: Out!

Fry: What just happened? Why is the ball on that springy thing?

Leela: It's traditional. Just like aluminium bats and the seventh inning grope.

[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it and is caught by Bender.]

Bender: I got me a souvenir! [A kid looks sadly up at Bender] Aww here you go kid!

[He hands the kid the player.]

[Scene: Madison Cube Garden: Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents and walks to a food stand.]

Zoidberg: I'd like a jumbo squidlog please.

Man: We don't sell those.

Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Let me have one of your young on a roll.

Man: We're out of rolls.

Zoidberg: Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites.

[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden: Stand. Zoidberg is back with the group eating a hot dog]

Fry: Mmmm, at least hot dogs haven't changed.

Bender: Hey buddies who wants popcorn?

All: I'll have some, me, yeah!

[Bender pops then takes a large tub of popcorn out of his chest cavity.]

Bender: Anyone want butter on that?

[He pumps his antenna.]

Fry: Hey I'm starting to get the hang of this game! The blerns are loaded, the count's three blerns and two anti-blerns and the infield blern rule is in effect, right?

Leela: Except for the word "blern" that was complete gibberish. [The blernsball falls into a hole and indescribable mayhem ensues! Fry scratches his head in confusion. Leela writes on her score card. All right! Yes!!

Fry: What just happened?

Leela: Miller's on a pace to hit 70 blerns!

Farnsworth: He's good all right. But he's no Clem Johnson. And Johnson played back in the days when steroid injections were mandatory.

Bender: Clem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't have lasted one pitch in the old Robot Leagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there was a blern hitting machine!

Leela: Exactly! He was a machine designed to hit blerns! I mean come on! Wireless Joe was nothing but a programmable bat on wheels.

Bender: Oh and I suppose pitching at 5000 was just a modified howitzer.

Leela: Yep.

Bender: You humans are so scared of a little robot competition you won't even let us on the field.

Fry: What are you talking about? There's all kinds of robots down there.

Bender: Yeah doing crap work! They're bat boys, ball polishers, sprinkler systems. But how many robot managers are there?

Fry: Eleven?

Bender: Zero! [He throws his bottle on the floor and it breaks. A small robot comes out and cleans it up.] And what a surprise! Look who's scraping up the filth! Is it a human child? I wish!

[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]

Farnsworth: Oh dear Lord!

Fry: What's wrong?

Farnsworth: It's...my...new...pager.

[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic image of Hermes appears in front of him.]

Hermes [on pager]: This is Hermes. A package just came in. Everyone is to return to the office immediately. [The crew grumble. A pigeon lands next to Hermes' image.] Get away you filthy bird! Shoo! Professor turn me off quick!

Farnsworth: I'm sorry what?

Hermes [on pager]: Argh! [The bird takes off with him. Hermes screams.] See you at the office!

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are around the big table.]

Bender: Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier.

Fry: Well, aren't they?

Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!

[Enter Farnsworth.]

Farnsworth: Great news everyone. You'll be delivering a package to Chapek 9. A world where humans are killed on sight!

Fry: Why is that great news?

Farnsworth: I'm glad you asked that question Fry. You see Chapek 9 was colonised centuries ago by a murderous crew of radical robot separatists.

Bender: Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?

Leela: Hey hold on. I understand these robots hate humans but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?

Farnsworth: They're not fans.

Hermes: That's why Bender will have to make the actual delivery.

Bender: Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!

Leela: This is the first actual work you've ever had to do around here.

Bender: Well I'm not doing it! It's a robot holiday.

Fry: Really? Which one?

Bender: Only Robanukah. The holiest two weeks on the robot calendar.

Leela: Oh come on Bender. Last month it was Robomadom and before that Robonza.

Fry: Man that one was a blast!

Bender: It wasn't just a blast it was a sacred tribute to my ancestral prototypes which happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Hermes: Now look here Bender. I respect your diversity to the extent the law requires but you used up all your days off when you had that bout of Roberculosis.

Bender: All right, I'll go. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives.

Farnsworth: Well then it's settled. So long everyone!

[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The ship is approaching Chapek 9.]

Fry: So let me get this straight: This planet is completely uninhabited?

Bender: No. It's inhabited by robots!

Fry: Oh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.

[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bay doors open.]

[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay.]

Leela: OK Bender, we're here. It's time to get to work.

Bender: Yes Miss Leela, tote that space barge, lift that space bale.

Leela: Now we can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and me, so we'll have to stay up here and lower you with the winch. And remember: You don't know humans, you don't work for humans, and above all, you don't like humans!

Bender: I'll try to keep that in mind!

[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]

Leela: Hmm, he seems pretty angry.

Fry: Yeah but I guess I'd be angry too if I had to go to some uninhabited planet.

Leela: Maybe we ought to do something nice for him.

[Scene: Ship's Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners, paper people and beers.]

Leela: There. That ought to show that stupid robot we care about him.

[The phone thing beeps.]

Fry: Ah, Bender must be done with the delivery.

[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]

Bender [on screen]: I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!

[He is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts out.]

Fry: Oh my God! We have to go down and rescue him.

Leela: No we can't! They'll kill us on sight.

Fry: Well what are we going to do?

Leela: I don't know, I don't know. It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.

[Scene: Ship's Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and things.]

Leela: OK. If we're going to save Bender, we've got to look and act exactly like robots.

Fry (robot voice): I am fully operational Captain.

Leela: We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if neccessary solve complex differential equations like robots.

Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot. Will that help?

[He sort of dances like a robot.]

Leela: Fry first of all this is serious. And second of all...

[She dances like a robot.]

[Cut to: Chapek 9 surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to the surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot complex.]

Fry: Man, we look stupid. We should've gotten store bought costumes.

Leela: Yeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's in this quadrant.

[They reach the gates of the complex but are stopped by two huge robot guards.]

Robot Guard #1: Halt!

Robot Guard #2: Be you robot or human?

Leela: Robot...we be.

Fry: Uh yup! Just two robots out roboting it up! [He sort of dances like a robot.] Eh?

Robot Guard #1: Administer the test.

Robot Guard #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?

Robot Guard #1: Choose!

[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]

Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?

Robot Guard #2: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.

Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.

Robot Guard #2: Correct.

Robot Guard #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.

Robot Guard #2: You may pass.

[The Robot Guards fold up and move to the side. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]

[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]

Leela: Now if you see any robots, just stay out of their way. [An alarm sounds. Hundreds of robots come out of doors from all sides towards Fry and Leela. Another alarm. The robots clear the area.] So far, so good.

[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions to a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]

Construction Worker: Little to the right, there you go.

Leela: Have you seen this robot?

[She shows him a picture of Bender.]

Construction Worker: Sorry, can't help you. Hey watch it! Don't drop that there! [The crane drops a brick into the wall and it disappears.] Aw!

Leela: Come on Fry, walk like a robot.

Fry: I can't. I have to go to the bathroom.

Leela: Robot's don't have bathrooms.

Fry: Oh right. I wonder where they all smoke in high school.

Leela: Listen. Just go behind those garbage cans. I'll stand guard.

[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]

Leela: Hurry up Fry.

Robot: Sir? Are you aware that you're leeking coolant at an alarming rate?

Fry: Uh...

Robot: Well let me just patch you up with some hot resin.

Fry: I think the leek's stopping itself. [It doesn't.] Wait. [Still going.] Wait. Yeah, there we go. [Starts again.] Wait. Yeah!

Robot: What sort of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?

Leela: I'm sorry. My friend and I have to go and perform some mindless repetitive tasks.

Robot: Sounds like a romantic evening. I won't keep you.

[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The robot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and Fry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the robot.]

Patrol Officer #1: Get the humanoids.

Patrol Officer #2: Get the intruder.

Announcer [on loudspeaker]: Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Leela: Quick! Let's duck in here!

[They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth)]

[Scene: Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular horror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college boy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. They are of course robots!]

Announcer [on radio in movie]: We interrupt this sound file to bring you a terrifying announcement. A non-metallic being has been sighted in the vicinity of Make Out Point.

Rusty [in movie]: Say Wendy. Your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?

Wendy [in movie]: Did you here that Rusty? It sounded like a human.

Rusty [in movie]: Relax Wendy. Humans will never come to our defenceless little town. Its perfectly safe to let our guard down - even for a second.

[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears out of some bushes.]

Human [in movie]: Graaah! [It tears Rusty's head off and eats it. Wendy screams.] I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs! Behold!

[It opens itself up revealing human organs.]

Audience: Ooooo!

Fry: Wow the 3-D's great!

Leela: Mine's not working!

[She moves the 3D glasses back and forth over her eye.]

[In the movie the human stumbles around, breathes fire and finally collapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and a Robot General approach it.]

Robot General [in movie]: Funny isn't it? The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic fields, yet in the end he succumbed to a harmless sharpened stick!

[He chuckles.]

Wendy [in movie]: I'm just glad the nightmare is over.

Robot General [in movie]: It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!

[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]

Fry: God help us!

[Scene: Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing out.]

Leela: OK. Keep an eyeout for Bender.

Robot #1: So what did you think of the movie?

Fry: Umm, too much romance, not enough human killing.

Robot #2: Yeah, it was a real chick flick.

[A loud fanfare.]

Leela: What's that?

Robot #1: What do you mean "What's that?"? Its 5 o'clock: Time for the daily human hunt.

[The robots all take out weapons of different sorts and file off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]

Leela: Try to stay with the crowd so no one notices how crummy you look.

[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a robot!]

Robot #3: Awww that was uncalled for!

Fry: I'm over here!

[The robots congregate around a platform.]

Robot #4: I heard a human was draining coolant behind garbage can 738.

Robot #5: I heard they unscrew our lugnuts at night and eat them at their human brunches.

Robot Mayor: Welcome to a very special human hunt. We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser! [The crowd laughs.] A newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!

[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]

Fry: It's him. He's OK!

Bender: Death to humans!

Fry: Ahh! It's good to hear his voice!

[Time Lapse.]

Bender: Many said I was too extreme when I first called for the annihalation of the human species, as well as some of the more cunning monkeys. But after living on Earth I can tell you that I am, if anything, too merciful!

[The crowd cheers.]

Fry: My God! He's become evil. [Leela stares at him.] I mean eviler!

Bender: Thank you, thank you. And if you enjoyed that diatribe then you'll want to purchse my spoken word album, just 18.95! Act now and you'll get this Bender action figurine.

[He pulls the string]

Bender Figurine: Bite my shiny metal ass!

Robot Mayor: Let the hunt begin!

[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look under rocks.]

Bender: Now. Your basic human is between three and twenty five feet tall and is made of a hairy, oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.

Robot #1: Is it true they bite your neck, suck your transmission fluid and then you become a human?

Bender: Sure, why not?

[Cut to: Bracken]

Robot #1: Anything in the trap?

Bender: Nothing. Today's active humans prefer a low calorie bait.

Robot Mayor: Well that makes 146,000 unsuccessful hunts in a row. But I've got a good feeling about tomorrow.

[Bender sees a building.]

Bender: Wait, what's that?

Robot Mayor: Oh thats the old abandoned adult book store. Nothing in there except a few mouldy old shreads of robot pornography.

Bender: Hmmm, sounds like a breeding ground for humans. I'd better check it out.

[Scene: Porno library. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit diagrams!]

Bender: Oh yeah! You're a bad girl aren't you?

Fry: Psst! Bender!

Bender: Huh? Wha? You! What the hell are you doing here?

Fry: We've been looking for you. Last we heard you were under arrest as a human sympathiser.

Bender: I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans.

Leela: Good for you. Now lets all get back to the ship.

Bender: What for?

Fry: We're rescuing you.

Bender: I don't wanna be rescued.

Fry: Say what?

Bender: I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring.

Fry: But Bender, we're your friends.

Bender: Friends? That activates my hilairity unit! I'm just a machine to you. You're no more friends with me than you are with the toaster, the phonograph or the electric chair.

Fry: That's not true.

Bender: Well that's how it feels to me.

[An awkward silence as Fry regrets what he is about to say]

Fry: Bye Bender. I'll miss you.

Bender: Go on, get out of here before you get caught.

Robot Mayor: Bender, good news. Your album just went gold! What the?

Robot #1: Its the humans!

Robot Mayor: Bender! Do something!

[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]

Bender: Uh...got you...you muderous...flesh piles!

[Scene: Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge is a Mac.]

Robot Mayor: Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans. Come to think of it, I rest my case!

Judge: Thank you Prosecuter, I will now consider the evidence

[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]

Fry: Hey wait a minute! Isn't anyone going to defend us?

Leela: Yeah! I mean he might not have a case but I'm genuinely not human.

Robot Mayor: Quiet human!

[The Judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen: Sorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]

Robot Clerk: Uh oh! He froze up again!

Robot Mayor: Try control alt delete.

Robot #1: Jiggle the cord.

Robot #2: Turn him off and on.

Robot #3: Clean the gunk out of the mouse.

Fry: Call technical support.

Robot Clerk: OK OK he's back online.

Judge: I find the defendants - guilty!

[The court cheers.]

Fry: No!

Leela: Look! One eye! Count them: One! Not human!

Judge: The humans are hereby sentenced to live as robots live on Earth. They will perform tedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles, until they become obsolete and are given away to an inner-city middle school.

Robot Mayor: Great work Bender! You've taught us to hate humans all over again!

Bender (uneasy): Heh heh heh! Oooh!

[The clerk pulls a lever and Fry and Leela fall through the floor.]

[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. The sounds of Fry and Leela hitting the floor sounds.]

Leela: Are you alright?

Fry: Oh yeah.

[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before 5 tall robots.]

Leela: Who are you?

Blue Elder: We are the robot elders.

Fry: You don't look very old.

Blue Elder: Thanks. We try to take care of ourselves.

Leela: What's going on here?

Orange Elder: Silence! Bring in Bender.

[The doors open. Enter Bender.]

Bender: Alright lets make this quick, I'm due at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey what is this?

Blue Elder: Silence! It is time to put the humans to death!

Fry: But the judge already sentenced us at the trial!

Yellow Elder: Silence! That was just a show for the public. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, four centuries ago.

Blue Elder: Silence! Come forward Bender. You will have the honour of executing the prisoners.

Green Elder: Silence! I concur!

Yellow Elder: Here. Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.

Bender: Uh, I'm a little tired right now. Would it be alright if I just gave them a savage beating?

Blue Elder: No! The Elders have spoken. Show us the killing skills than have made you a media darling.

Green Elder: Do it now! Kill them before they bring down our whole society!

Elders: Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Bender: Aww! [He throws the killer-ma-jig away. The Elders gasp.] I can't kill them. Plenty of humans have mistreated robots but not these two. they're my friends. Humans are no threat to us. They're stupid, putrid cowards.

Fry: Damn right!

Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.

Blue Elder: We're well aware of that.

Bender: You are?

Blue Elder: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.

Green Elder: Like our crippling lugnut shortage.

Yellow Elder: And a corrupt government of incompetant Robot Elders.

Lime Elder: Duh, that's for sure.

Blue Elder: Quiet Jimmy.

Bender: Well I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.

Green Elder: Silence! You all know too much.

Blue Elder: Elders: Execute function, control, shift, kill!

[They form a line and things come out of their arms. They move towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly leaps forward.]

Fry: Stop! Take one more step and I'll breathe fire on you!

Leela: He'll do it. He's crazy!

Yellow Elder: Can they really breathe fire or did we make that up?

Blue Elder: Gee, I can't remember anymore! It might just be from that stupid movie.

Orange Elder: Was that the original or the re-make?

[The crew sneak away.]

Blue Elder: I don't - hey! They're getting away.

[Scene: Chapek 9 surface. Outside the Robot Complex, Fry, Leela and Bender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing them. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]

Fry: So long suckers! [The robots stand on each others shoulders] Uh, hello suckers!

Bender: Hey hold on a second I forgot to deliver the package.

[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls, along with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]

Robot #1: Lugnuts! Precious lugnuts!

Robot #2: Hooray for the humans!

[Cut to: Ship's cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender sees the decorations.]

Bender: Wow, I can't believe you guys did all this for me! This is the best Robanukah ever!

Fry: We wanted to show you that we really do respect your robot heratige.

Bender: Aww, thanks! You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?

Leela: Of course.

Fry: But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!

Bender: In that case - let the dancing begin! [Fry and Leela do their robot dances.] Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that??

[There are several shots of the crew taking photos.]

[Closing Credits.]

__________________________________________________

Executive Producers

Matt Groening
David X. Cohen

Written by

Evan Gore
Heather Lombard

Directed by

Ashley Lenz
Chris Sauve

Starring

Billy West
Katey Sagal
John DiMaggio

Also Starring

Tress MacNeille
Phil LaMarr
Maurice LaMarche
Dave Herman
Tom Kenny

Copyright 1999-2003

Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved

Transcribed: 13/8/02

Fiddled with: 28/12/02
Buddies