Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #40: Robot Santa's LIttle Helpers
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT- ERIC ROBERTS

PENCILS- MIKE KAZALEH

INKS- DAN DAVIS

COLORS- NATHAN KANE

LETTERS- KAREN BATES

EDITOR-BILL MORRISON


SCENE: A shopping mall at Xmas time. Bender is seen sitting on the mall's Robot Santa's lap, reading off a huge list.

BENDER: ...and an ANTENNA EXTENSION... a dozen boxes of Zuban cigars...a pony... a pony TAXIDERMY KIT...

ROBOT MALL SANTA: Uh... that sure is A LOT Bonder. What if Robot Santa just brings you some AMUTATION and a week in INTENSIVE CARE?

HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: (holding a camera- takes a picture of the two) Say 'HAPPY XMAS!'

BENDER: The name's BENDER, and I'm not done telling you what I want for Xmas!

ROBOT MALL SANTA: (shoves Bender off his lap) HO HO HO, you've spent the PAST FORTY FIVE MINUTES telling me what you want... I think I've got it!

BENDER: But I didn't tell you all the people I want you to KILL...

SMITTY: All right, robot, move along, or we'll be forced to call the COPS.

URL: Uh... Smitty, I thought we WAS the cops?

SMITTY: Not as long as we're moonlighting as MALL SECURITY for the holidays, Url. Without this second income, it'd be MOON ROCKS in my kids' stockings and HONEY-GLAZED OWL for Xmas dinner.

URL: AWWWWW YEAH.

BENDER: Stupid Robot mall Santa... rassa-frakkin...

FRY: Kicked off another Robot Santa's lap AGAIN, Bender?

BENDER: That's the FIFTH mall this month! How will Robot Santa get all my demands if these jerks won't hear me out?

LEELA: These mall Santas don't actually relay everyone's requests to the REAL Robot Santa, Bender.

BENDER: (starts crying) You have no idea what it's like TO DREAM... do you, Leela?

FRY: Gee, don't you think you were being a little harsh?

LEELA: Maybe... and it felt REALLY GOOD. Now I know why HE'S such a jerk all the time!

FRY: (looks at his watch) CRIPES! The mall closes in an hour, and I still have more gifts to buy!

LEELA: Well, I'm going to SCRUNCH TIME for their 2-for-1 sale on the 'big bag o' scrunchies'. Meet you back here in half an hour?

FRY: WORD.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

We see Bender sitting in the mall's food court, surrounded by people including LaBarbara, Zapp (checking her out and dumping catchup on Kif's ice cream cone) Kif, The Ant and the Aardvark, and Leg Mutant and Raoul.

BENDER: (singing) I'll have a bluuuuue... Xmas... if I don't get all the crap ON MY LIIISST...

ROBOT MALL SANTA: You forgot your complementary photo... (hands Bender a photo)

BENDER: YOU?

ROBOT MALL SANTA: Sorry about what happened back there, but us mall Santas got QUOTAS to keep. Gotta keep the butts MOVING OFF our laps, you dig? As a matter of fact, there are SO MANY PEOPLE wanting a picture with Robot Santa that the malls are hiring EXTRA robots for the job. They'll be setting up SEVERAL Robot Santa stations all over the mall... are you INTERESTED?

BENDER: Are you kidding!? I've been threatening to kill people for FREE all my life. Now I can get PAID to do it?

ROBOT MALL SANTA: Not only that, but you get free booze AND this official Robot Santa 'Medal of Dishonor'! (bares his chest to show Bender the medal)

BENDER: OOOHHH...

ROBOT MALL SANTA: I also hear that any robot who does this job will be EXEMPT from Santa's wrath on Xmas Eve...

BENDER: I'm in, I'm in, I'M IN!!

ROBOT MALL SANTA: Just see the mall manager to get your costume and medal, and you'll be ALL SET!

BENDER: Thanks, Mall Robot Santa, and sorry I tried to choke you to death!

ROBOT MALL SANTA: I would've done the SAME THING, friend.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

BENDER: (holding his own 'Medal of Dishonor') I'm going to be the greatest Mall Robot Santa EVER! And when Robot Santa comes to deliver death on Xmas Eve, he'll see how awesome I am at emulating him and give me EVERYTHING on my wish list!

FRY: Speaking of wish lists, do you think Leela will like the gift I got her? It's CANDY CANE SCENTED PERFUME, and after it runs out, you can eat the bottle!

BENDER: Hey, who DOESN'T want to smell like a giant peppermint stick? But you'd better put it away... here comes NAGGY now!

LEELA: (talking into her wrist thingy) … no problem, Professor. We'll be there in a few minutes. Over and out.

FRY: (puts the gift in his bag) Hey, Leela... what up?

LEELA: The Professor needs us at Planet Express ASAP! We've got a delivery mission that might be our MOST DANGEROUS YET!

A LITTLE LATER...

PROFESSOR: This might be your MOST DANGEROUS MISSION YET!

LEELA: I ALREADY told them that. Where are we going and what are we delivering?

PROFESSOR: (waving his arms frantically) You'll be delivering sporting equipment to the REINDEER ROBOTS on Neptune!

FRY: Why is the Professor yelling and flailing so much? Is he having a STROKE?

LEELA: No, he's hopped up on RED YULE, that Xmas themed energy drink. Wait a second... NEPTUNE!? That's where Robot Santa's workshop is!

PROFESSOR: I KNOW! But that's on the OTHER side of the planet, far from ANTLER STADIUM, where the deer-bots hold their games. You should be fine! OFF YOU GO!

LEELA: You heard the WIRED OLD KOOK. Meet me at the ship in twenty minutes for take-off.

BENDER: Sorry... can't... got this sweet new gig working as a mall Santa from now until Xmas eve. But you two have a great trip and bring me back a SHOT GLASS or a COLLECTABLE SPOON.

LEELA: But you HAVE to go, Bender! As bad as your cooking is, we still need someone to SCREW UP our in-flight meals! Who ELSE could do the job as poorly as you!?

ZOIDBERG: Hello, friends! Who wants to try my GINGER RAT COOKIES?

FRY: mmm... Ginger rat cookies, eh? I've never heard of these...

ZOIDBERG: Oh... it was so easy! I just went outside, scooped up some RAT ROADKILL, glazed them with a gingerbread coating, and... TAA-DAA! (Fry gets violently ill) I see by your PROJECTILE REGURGITATION that you are eager to share with me, Fry. But I've had TOO MANY this morning already... thanks anyway!

LEELA: Zoidberg, since when do YOU cook?

ZOIDBERG: Having battled an EATING DISORDER all my life, I learned at a young age to concoct meals using any and all manner of food scraps.

LEELA: I didn't know you had an eating disorder... which one?

ZOIDBERG: STARVATION! So... a new COOK you're hiring? I happen to have nothing to do between now and the FORSEEABLE FUTURE... when do we TAKE OFF? (starts cramming the 'cookies' in his mouth as Fry runs off to get sick again)

LEELA: Um... well... er... uh...

A LITTLE WHILE LATER...

on board the ship...

LEELA: Fry, don't be angry... we needed someone to cook for us, and he was the ONLY option!

FRY: Yeah, well it's a good thing he's a DOCTOR, too, because we're going to need one as soon as we eat ANYTHING he cooks!

ZOIDBERG: (comes onto the bridge holding a box marked 'Finest Quality Provisions'... upside down) Hello, ROAD TRIP CHUMS! Where should I put this box of yummy food supplies?

FRY: It goes in the pantry, chef.

ZOIDBERG: Is that the place with the thing you FLUSH and those tasty SCENTED CAKES? (sits down near a console) Ooo... look at all the pretty lights.

LEELA: Do NOT touch anything, Zoidberg. Just put on your seat belt and enjoy the ride... okay?

ZOIDBERG: Of course, safety first! Now to just figure out this high-tech, body strapping device. (snips it with his claws) Uh, Leela? I think this one's BROKEN.

LEELA: -Sigh-

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

The planet Express Ship is seen leaving the hangar and Bender is off to his second job...

ZOIDBERG: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

BENDER: (singing) Up on the rooftop click-click-click! Robot Santa's uzi will end you quick!

A SHORT WALK LATER...

CUBERT: … and last but not least, I want a Bruce Lee head in a jar with MECHANIZED KUNG-FU FIGHTING LEGS!

BENDER: Anything ELSE, Poindexter? Some Microsoft stock? Your own Major League Blernsball team? A GIRLFRIEND!?

CUBERT: -Pfft!- You're not even CLOSE to convincing me you're the REAL Robot Santa, you THIRD RATE CHARLATAN!

BENDER: (jumps up throwing Cubert to the ground) Wow! Five O'clock already, time to GO HOME!

CUBERT: AHHHHHHH!!

HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: (snaps a photo) Oh, that shot's a KEEPER!

ROBOT MALL SANTA: It's BEER O'CLOCK, pal. Let's go get paid and blow this POPPLER-SICLE STAND!

BENDER: Howzabout I just feed you the business end of a BAZOOKA and convert your head into FINE METAL SHAVINGS? Gosh, sorry about that... I'm a METHOD HATER, and sometimes it's hard to BREAK CHARACTER after a performance like today.

ROBOT MALL SANTA: No worries. It's nothing a little FREE BOOZE can't fix!

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

Robots are waiting in line to receive their pay and booze.

BENDER: There sure are a LOT of robots doing the Mall Robot Santa thing.

ROBOT MALL SANTA: They've got SIX STATIONS in our mall alone. From what I hear, Robot Santa really wants to spread his message of fear and dread EARLY this year...

HATTIE: Whchamacallit... NEXT!

BENDER: Bender B. Rodriguez!

HATTIE: Rodriguez... Rodriguez... THERE YOU ARE! Here's your case of beer and your paycheck! And remember, don't remove your 'Medal Of Dishonor' until AFTER Xmas day, or Robot Santa can't MONITOR all your hard work.

BENDER: (looking at his pay envelope) AXE and ye shall RECEIVE!

LATER, SOMEWHERE NEAR NEPTUNE...

FRY: Leela, have you seen Zoidberg?

LEELA: Not lately. But did you hear that NOISE? I think there's something wrong with one of the ENGINES.

FRY: That's not an engine... that's my STOMACH! I'm STARVING!

LEELA: Let's find him. I set up the HOLO-PILOT I designed to take over for me until we get back. (the holo-pilot looks like an obese Amy, with buck teeth, acne, and balding)

FRY: Hey, that holo-pilot looks a lot like Amy-

LEELA: NO it DOESN'T.

A MOMENT LATER...

Leela and Fry enter the galley, where they hear disgusting noises...

LEELA: Dr. Zoidberg? Are you in here?

FRY: Oh no, Leela! We've got company. I think it's probably SPACE BOA CONSTRICTORS eating Zoidberg!

LEELA: I WISH! Zoidberg's eaten ALL of our food!

ZOIDBERG: Friends! It was an ACCIDENT! I tripped with my mouth open and all the food went INSIDE!

FRY: That food was more than enough for a trip to Neptune AND back! All that's left are your STUPID CRUMBS!

ZOIDBERG: If it's any consolation, I'm STILL starving. Maybe now we can all starve TOGETHER!?

FRY: Zoidberg,I have never said all of the following curse word together in one sentence, but you have to be one of the stupidest son of a-

PANEL MISSING (blacked out)

FRY: … and that goes DOUBLE for your mother!

ZOIDBERG: (crying) Aww-boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooo...

LEELA: Fry, STOP! I haven't heard such FILTHY LANGUAGE since listening to that George Carlin's head CD, 'The 77 Dirty Words You Can't Say On Jupiter'!

FRY: I'm sorry, Leela, but he BONED us! As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time he did something to make things BETTER for ANY of us! If there were some sort of accident where Zoidberg got MYSTERIOUSLY left behind, we'd be BETTER OFF for it! (storms off)

ZOIDBERG: Fry's RIGHT...I'm a worthless looser that no one on Earth would EVER MISS! Isn't this the part where you tell me I'm OVER REACTING and that nothing I said is TRUE?

LEELA: I... I have to go fly the ship, Zoidberg. I'm SORRY.

ZOIDBERG: -sniff-

LATER...

The ship is landing on Neptune.

FRY: Hurry up and land, Leela. I'm so hungry that I just LICKED the steering wheel to taste the SALT from your hands!

LEELA: Just a few more minutes and we'll be on the ground... oh, and EWWWWWWWW!

SOON ON NEPTUNE...

LEELA: Since Zoidberg ate our supplies, our original plan of airdropping this crate into Antler Stadium is null and void. Now we need to find those deer-bots to deliver their package in person AND barter for some food in return. Fry, tell Zoidberg to stay put, we'll be right back.

FRY: ZOIDBERG! STAY PUT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

ZOIDBERG: (watching them leave from a window) Sorry, but Zoidberg can't stay where he isn't wanted.

INEVITABLY...

ZOIDBERG: (bundled up with the stereotypical hobo's kerchief on the end of a stick) Maybe on THIS planet I can find TRUE FRIENDS who value who I am. (leaves the ship and starts walking miles) -WHEEZE- I've been walking for hours! And I'm so very hungry again! I'll just rest my tuchus on this rock until I catch my breath.

FERDINAND: Hey, WATCH IT!

ZOIDBERG: -GASP!- It's a TALKING rock!

FERDINAND: I'm not a rock, I'm one of ROBOT SANTA'S ELVES!

ZOIDBERG: What are you doing HERE? Why aren't you at his workshop making WEAPONS for Xmas Eve?

FERDINAND: I'm RUNNING AWAY. I don't want to make weapons. I want to HEAL elves who get injured on the assembly line from faulty bombs and guns. Robot Santa says helping the sick and injured goes AGAINST everything Xmas stands for... so I QUIT!

ZOIDBERG: So you want to be a DOCTOR? I'M a doctor! I can show you everything I learned at school... plus some stuff I've seen on TV DRAMAS!

FERDINAND: This is some sort of XMAS MIRACLE!

ZOIDBERG: Think of the POSSIBILITIES! We'll start our OWN hospital, where no one would say things like, 'THAT ORGAN DOESN'T BELONG THERE', OR 'YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T EAT DURING SURGERY'. It's unfortunate that there's no one here to nurse back to health.

FERDINAND: There IS! Some of my elf mates have also escaped from Santa's workshop and were badly injured when he tried to chase them down. That's why I'm out here on my own. I was the ONLY ONE healthy enough to go searching for supplies. My friends are in a camp just over that ridge. We'll need all of your care and expertise if we're going to survive!

ZOIDBERG: (picks the elf up and puts him on his shoulders) Finally, someone who needs AND values me! Let's go find your friends, forthwith!

FERDINAND: Wait, KIND YET HORRIFYING stranger... you're being so nice to me, and I don't even know your NAME!

ZOIDBERG: They call me DR. ZOIDBERG.

FERDINAND: 'Dr. Zoidberg'... my HERO.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE ANTLER STADIUM...

LEELA: Now that you've got your package, if we could just get our check and some of that meat you promised, we'll be on our way.

REINDEER: Right. Hey, Sid, give 'em the stuff.

FRY: (gets handed two full racks of ribs and the check) So, you guys need HUNTING GEAR for your reindeer games, eh? What do you hunt?

REINDEER: HUMANS.

FRY: (running for the exit) Leela, let's get the Hell OUT OF HERE!

A LITTLE LATER, BACK ON THE SHIP...

LEELA: (chewing on a rib) Well, we've got more than enough food to get us home now.

FRY: Yeah. We should give some to Zoidberg too, despite what he did. I'll go get him... (goes to look for Zoidberg) Leela, COME QUICK! We've got TROUBLE!

LEELA: (coming into the ship's locker room)What NOW, Fry?

FRY: (looking into Bender's locker) LOOK! Someone broke into Bender's locker and stole his HOBO BINDLE!

LEELA: (looks on the floor-a message says 'Best friends, I am leaving forever. Do not try and follow my unique pincer like tracks, love, Dr. Zoidberg) Uh... I'm going OUT ON A LIMB and say it was Zoidberg.

A MOMENT LATER...

LEELA: Zoidberg's gone in the opposite direction of Antler Stadium. We need to find him before we loose this trail in the snowstorm!

FRY: Stupid Zoidberg and his HURT FEELINGS! What if he makes us miss Xmas Eve?

LEELA: I know it won't feel like Xmas unless we're FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES, but we can't leave Zoidberg here.

FRY: Then let's roll. Maybe we can still make it home in time to see MACY'S XMAS DAY CORPSES ON PARADE!

LATER...

FRY: This snow is like millions of TINY, WET, FLUFFY DAGGERS stabbing my face!

LEELA: We've lost ZOIDBERG'S TRAIL! I'm not even sure we'll find our way back to the ship at this point!

FRY: (points to a factory) Leela, LOOK! It's some sort of SHELTER!

LEELA: LET'S GO!

FRY: I'm freezing to death out here. Why aren't we GOING IN?

LEELA: (Standing on Fry's shoulders looking in a window at Robot Santa) You know as well as I do that we've been here before! It's MUCH safer outside!

CHAUNCEY: (has mistletoe hanging above two mannequins) Initiating MISSILE-TOE DEATH prototype! (the mistletoe explodes, removing the mannequins heads)

ROBOT SANTA: EXCELLENT! Let's be sure to have this ready for NEXT Xmas, Chauncey!

CHAUNCEY: As you wish, your HO-HO-HOLINESS.

ROBOT SANTA: And where do we stand with THIS year's 'Secret Santa Surprise'?

CHAUNCEY: (shows Robot Santa a video monitor of Bender with Clamps on his lap) Here's a live feed from Earth, sir, with one of your more passionate supporters. His name's Bender.

CLAMPS: (on the monitor) ...and I know I ask for this every year, but I was hoping for maybe a new set of CLAMPS?

BENDER: How 'bout I just clamp your arms and legs down, then RUN YOUR FACE OVER AND OVER with my sleigh until your OWN MOTHER doesn't recognize you!?

CHAUNCEY: This unit is one of THOUSANDS portraying you across the planet.

ROBOT SANTA: Chauncey, this is more then we could have EVER hoped for... and once we activate the 'Medal Of Dishonor' my Santas are required to wear, I will finally have an army at my disposal to TERMINATE EVERY BEING ON EARTH!

CHAUNCEY: Here is the remote control. Simply untie the bow and it will activate the robots to ATTACK ANYONE they see!

ROBOT SANTA: HO HO HO! This will truly be the LAST XMAS EVER!

LEELA: Aw, nertz! Bender will be one of Robot Santa's unstoppable pawns in his XMAS EVE MASSACRE unless we can STEAL that remote!

FRY: Great. ANOTHER FINE MESS we're in nipple-deep thanks to...

DR ZOIDBERG...!

FERDINAND: … There you are! I just wanted to thank you again for helping nurse all of my friends back to health.

ZOIDBERG: Of course! It's in our best interest to have as many workers we can to build OUR HOSPITAL, true?

FERDINAND: Yes, well, ABOUT THAT... (pulls a gun on Zoidberg) We have NO INTENTION of building a hospital on this God-forsaken planet!

ZOIDBERG: Oh? Maybe a nice FREE CLINIC then or a PLANNED PARENTHOOD office, maybe?

FERDINAND: SHUT YOUR INK HOLE! We USED you to help us get our strength back for a FAR GREATER MISSION.

ZOIDBERG: B-b-but I thought we were FRIENDS. I thought you wanted to HEAL, not HURT. Not to mention that WARM MEAL you promised me...

FERDINAND: What a sucker! I guess if everyone jumped off a bridge, you'd do THAT too...

ZOIDBERG: Yes, yes... ANYTHING to be with friends!

FERDINAND: I said SHUT it! Now MOVE. You're about to have a front row seat to HISTORY!

THAT NIGHT, BACK AT ROBOT SANTA'S WORKSHOP...

LEELA: (looking around inside) Okay, Fry, we need to find that remote. Santa left it on one of these benches. But be careful... bump into anything and this place could BLOW! Fry! I think I FOUND IT!

FRY: Let's take it and SKEEDADDLE! (grabs some 'candy' from a dish) All right, XMAS CANDY! Don't mind if I do...

LEELA: (slaps Fry, knocking the candy out of his mouth) NO, FRY!

FRY! -GAK!- (the candy goes flying and explodes) What was THAT for?

LEELA: Nothing in this place is WHAT IT SEEMS! The 'candy' is WEAPONS GRADE PLASTIQUE used for wiring bombs! Now don't put ANYTHING ELSE in your mouth, and let's get out of here!

ROBOT SANTA: Looks like someone is being VERY naughty!... STEALING for Robot Santa Claus? I guess some people can't wait 'til Xmas to see what they're GETTING!

CHAUNCEY: Show them some 'Helliday Spirit', sir!

FERDINAND: (comes through the wall with his fellow co-workers- all armed) Hope WE'RE not too late for the festivities. Remember US Santa? We're back to END your reign of terror once and for all!

ROBOT SANTA: FERDINAND!? I left you for DEAD! Who would DARE help you and all of your GUTLESS CO WORKERS yo rise against me!?

FERDINAND: An EASILY MANIPULATED, WALKING CRAB-CAKE the humans call...

FRY AND LEELA: DR. ZOIDBERG?

ZOIDBERG: My old friends, how I missed you! Look what I've done. I'm responsible for a GUERILLA UPRISING! HUZZAH!

CHAUNCEY: (grabs the remote from Leela) Santa, I have the REMOTE!

LEELA: What the elf!?

ROBOT SANTA: (activates the remote) Go ahead... SHOOT! You're too late to stop the spread of my XMAS CHEER!

BACK IN NEW NEW YORK CITY...

LINDA: (sitting on Bender's lap) ...and in a developing story, I'd like DIVORCE PAPERS for my husband who's been shacking up with his floozy secretary... (the Medal Of Dishonor engages and Bender starts to choke her) -Glag-glik! HAHAHAHA! -eegk-olgh!-

ROBOT SANTA: (watching the monitor) Every mall Santa is now programed to kill, and as long as I hold this remote, there's NOTHING you can do to stop it!

FRY: (hands Leela her Candy cane perfume) Since we're going to die here, I might as well give you your Xmas present.... It's a bottle of candy cane scented perfume.

LEELA: That's so sweet. Do you mind if I open it NOW?

FRY: Smell 'em if you got 'em.

LEELA: I have a BETTER IDEA! (throws it at the remote in Robot Santa's hand)

FRY: Leela, WHAT THE CRAP?

LEELA: Wait for it...

ZOIDBERG: Candy canes... SO HUNGRY... must... eat... CANDY CANES!!! (chomps down on the remote and Robot Santa's hand)

ROBOT SANTA: AHHHH! Get it off... GET IT OFF!!

LEELA: The acid in Zoidberg's stomach should DESTROY the remote, reverting all of the mall Santas BACK TO NORMAL!

BENDER: (on the monitor, looking at Linda) Wha?

FRY: Zoidberg! YOU DID IT! You saved Earth from Robot Santa's army of MIND-CONTROLLED KILLERS!

LEELA: You're our hero AND our friend! We're sorry for making you feel otherwise.

ZOIDBERG: Errm... that's swell, but I'm not feeling too KOSHER all of a sudden...

LEELA: Gee, Zoidberg, a 'Thank You' would be nice...

ZOIDBERG: (holding his gut) Ooohh, my SWEET SPASTIC KISHKALA...

ROBOT SANTA: (waving his one missing hand) I'm not finished with you by a QUANTUM LEAP! As long as I still have ONE GOOD HAND, I will tear you a new... (Ferdinand shoots off his other hand) ARRGGHH!!!

FERDINAND: ELVES ATTACK!!!

LEELA: (dragging Zoidberg out trough a hole in the wall) That's our clue to GET OUT OF HERE!

LATER...

LEELA: (piloting the ship) How's Zoidberg doing?

FRY: Fine, but he'll be UPCHUCKING ROBO-BITS for the next few hours.

LEELA: Well, we'll definitely make it back to Earth in time for Xmas.

FRY: Yeah, but those elves will probably make Robot Santa miss his Xmas Eve slay ride.

LEELA: Which mean WE'RE the only ones who had a traditional ultra violent holiday this year.

FRY: Guess so.

LEELA: (leans in) MERRY XMAS, Fry.

FRY: (leans in) MERRY XMAS, Leela.

ZOIDBERG: And sweet zombie Jesus bless us, every one! WHOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!

THE END

Buddies